Two days earlier:
"It's a fake"
"What? Seriously?"
"Yea, man, look, you can tell by the way-"
"Ah crap. I knew it. I knew it!"
"And what's this brown stain? Looks like barbeque sauce..."
"I dunno. She said it was her husband. Or Genghis Khan's husband. Something like that."
"It even SMELLS like barbeque sauce, man. How much did you pay for this again?"
"I don't know... like fifty, sixty... Hey what's this?"
Three Dollar Bill snatches the clunky piece of equipment out of my hand, shooting me a dirty look. Mumbling to himself he turns back to my 'map', not noticing that I had just lifted his wallet. I turn to the window, staring out across the street. There's some sort of comotion and a crowd is gathering staring into one of the store fronts.
"Well, I can minimize your loss, maybe and give ya a hundred for it."
"What? Why would you do that? It's a fake you said."
Bill has absolutely no poker face whatsoever.
"Umm, well, yea, it IS... But it's also a darn fine forgery, and I could still learn a few things from it. For my collection..."
I stare back at him for a beat, then snatch it out of his hands and make for the door.
"Nah. I'm goin' anyway. Fake or no, there IS still treasure out there. Might as well take a look, yea?
Bill is clearly crest fallen. While I am sure it really is a fake - Bill is not that good a liar - I imagine he was thinking he could turn it around and pawn it off on some poor unsuspecting fool for twice his cost. And if there is a profit to be made, it may as well be made by me. Besides, I don't really want him going for his wallet until I am gone.
"Where's the bank in this town anyway?"
"There's one just across the street. Just try not to rob it, ok?"
I give him my smuggest condescending look and back out of his ratty old print shop, the bell jingling as the door closes.
Did he say across the street? I turn back to see if that's where the commotion is and find my self staring down the righteous end of a big ass shiny colt .45 and a Reservation cop grinning like he just got home from a two for one at the Asian Massage Parlor... Only this little town doesn't HAVE an Asian Massage Parlor...
"Freeze, dirtbag! You and your pals think you can just rob a bank in my town and get away with it? THINK AGAIN."
Click click BOOM!!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Go west, young man
Last week in Duluth MN I stumbled into this little old used bookstore while waiting for acouple of tree trunk thugs to get tired of chasing me. The place was ragged and dirty, sort of how I was feeling that day. Appropriate. Ducked between haphazzardly stacked piles of musty old books something caught my eye. It was worn and tattered and very very yellowed with age. I slid it out from where it was wedged between a first printing of the Julia Childs cookbook and some ancient volume with it's title long since worn off. It appeared to be some sort of map. All of the writing was in Spanish and there were rudimentary sketches of piles of skulls and a mountain range that was oddly familiar, but the main thing that caught my eye was the large brownish stain running through the middle of the map and the small bullet sized hole through the middle. Another thing that caught my eye was that several times throughout the scribbled Spanish text was a word that didn't fit - Waltz. What was a Germanic surname, or dance style, doing in this poorly preserved hispanic document? And what exactly was this a map to? I'm no ace at Spanish, but I know what "muerto" means, and this bad boy had death written all over it, both figuratively and litterally. And Death is just one of my middle names.
Before I could get into the nitty gritty of this map, I had to get it out of this ratty old book shop. I found it odd that considering the sudden and conspicuous manner in which I entered the store, I had not yet been harrassed by any shopkeeper or the sort of pompous bookworms that normally frequent this sort of shop. Rising my head above the piles behind which I had taken my refuge, I was startled to see an ancient little indian woman squinting at me from behind tiny half moon spectacles, smiling big as you please. So much for a stealthy retreat.... The shopkeeper's appearance was offsetting to say the least. not possibly more than 4 feet tall, she appeared to be in at least her ninth decade. She had a hand crocheted shawl wrapped tightly around her shoulders, but wore short sleeves and her forearms were a colorful canvas of intricate native American tattooistry. I guessed that the symbols were probably Apache or Hopi in origin. And while she had life's map of many hard years carved in the wrinkles across her face, her hair was still perfectly black and smooth, pulled back into a tight little bun, with a well chewed pencil unceremoniously shoved through it. Even more unsettling was when she spoke, it was with strongly broken English I expected, but with a strong Mandarin accent, and her voice was smooth and crsip, not at all the conduit to the past that I wa expecting.
"Bad map! You go now!"
"Bad map, eh? How much?"
"Bad map! Twenty dollar!"
Well that was easy. I would say too easy, but things always come easy to me.
I pull a $20 from my pocket and give it to her. She shuffles behind the counter and holds it up to the light. Appearantly satisfied, she drops it into a worn cigar box. She hastily grabs a box of what appears to be home made fudge and shoves it at me.
"You want chocolate?"
Looking at the map , I pretended not to hear.
"What is this?" I ask, not looking from the map, indicating the dark brown stain.
"Husband. He die, long time. What you want? You go now."
"Husband? Your husband?"
"No! Gengis Kahn husband! Chocolate?"
I chuckle and carefully fold the map up and put it in my bag.
"Dutchman kill many people! You go now, Dutchman kill you, you no bother. Go now"
The Lost Dutchman mine of southern Arizona. Suddenly I wanted my $20 back, but one look at the little old crypt keeper told me I wasn't going to get it. The Lost Dutchman is a well known lost, very rich gold mine hidden somewhere in the Superstition mountains near Phoenix. Treasure hunters have been looking for it for a hundred years. It is also a fairy tale, and this lady was conning me. But hey. A twenty could put a couple of cheeseburgers in this lady, and I had more where that came from. The map WAS old, that much I could tell. The 'blood' was probably not real, but it couldn't hurt to run a couple of tests, and I knew just the person to run them. I was getting pretty tired of the cold anyway. Perhaps it was time to head back out west after all...
I sidestepped the proffered fudge and exited the shop, looking around to see that the coast was clear. I decided to walk a few blocks over before finding a ride suitable to make the trip. After a quick stop at the motel to grab my things, I was on my way.
Minnesota was getting a bit crowded anyway these days.
Before I could get into the nitty gritty of this map, I had to get it out of this ratty old book shop. I found it odd that considering the sudden and conspicuous manner in which I entered the store, I had not yet been harrassed by any shopkeeper or the sort of pompous bookworms that normally frequent this sort of shop. Rising my head above the piles behind which I had taken my refuge, I was startled to see an ancient little indian woman squinting at me from behind tiny half moon spectacles, smiling big as you please. So much for a stealthy retreat.... The shopkeeper's appearance was offsetting to say the least. not possibly more than 4 feet tall, she appeared to be in at least her ninth decade. She had a hand crocheted shawl wrapped tightly around her shoulders, but wore short sleeves and her forearms were a colorful canvas of intricate native American tattooistry. I guessed that the symbols were probably Apache or Hopi in origin. And while she had life's map of many hard years carved in the wrinkles across her face, her hair was still perfectly black and smooth, pulled back into a tight little bun, with a well chewed pencil unceremoniously shoved through it. Even more unsettling was when she spoke, it was with strongly broken English I expected, but with a strong Mandarin accent, and her voice was smooth and crsip, not at all the conduit to the past that I wa expecting.
"Bad map! You go now!"
"Bad map, eh? How much?"
"Bad map! Twenty dollar!"
Well that was easy. I would say too easy, but things always come easy to me.
I pull a $20 from my pocket and give it to her. She shuffles behind the counter and holds it up to the light. Appearantly satisfied, she drops it into a worn cigar box. She hastily grabs a box of what appears to be home made fudge and shoves it at me.
"You want chocolate?"
Looking at the map , I pretended not to hear.
"What is this?" I ask, not looking from the map, indicating the dark brown stain.
"Husband. He die, long time. What you want? You go now."
"Husband? Your husband?"
"No! Gengis Kahn husband! Chocolate?"
I chuckle and carefully fold the map up and put it in my bag.
"Dutchman kill many people! You go now, Dutchman kill you, you no bother. Go now"
The Lost Dutchman mine of southern Arizona. Suddenly I wanted my $20 back, but one look at the little old crypt keeper told me I wasn't going to get it. The Lost Dutchman is a well known lost, very rich gold mine hidden somewhere in the Superstition mountains near Phoenix. Treasure hunters have been looking for it for a hundred years. It is also a fairy tale, and this lady was conning me. But hey. A twenty could put a couple of cheeseburgers in this lady, and I had more where that came from. The map WAS old, that much I could tell. The 'blood' was probably not real, but it couldn't hurt to run a couple of tests, and I knew just the person to run them. I was getting pretty tired of the cold anyway. Perhaps it was time to head back out west after all...
I sidestepped the proffered fudge and exited the shop, looking around to see that the coast was clear. I decided to walk a few blocks over before finding a ride suitable to make the trip. After a quick stop at the motel to grab my things, I was on my way.
Minnesota was getting a bit crowded anyway these days.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Third Planet From the Sun
Earth
It is almost spherical, flattened slightly at the poles, and is composed of five concentric layers: inner core, outer core, mantle, crust, and atmosphere. About 70% of the surface, including the north and south polar ice caps, is covered with water. The Earth is surrounded by a life-supporting atmosphere and is the only planet on which life is known to exist. Earth is the third planet from the Sun, and the fifth largest of the eight planets in the solar system. It is also the largest, most massive, and densest of the solar system's four terrestrial planets. It is sometimes referred to as the World, the Blue Planet or Terra. Earth has approximately 6,803, 000, 000 human inhabitants as of December 12, 2009. Projections indicate that the world's human population will reach seven billion in 2013 and 9.2 billion in 2050. Human population density varies widely around the world. It is estimated that the only one eighth of the surface of the Earth is suitable for humans to live on - three quarters is covered by oceans, and half of the land area is either desert, high mountains or other less suitable terrain.
Independent sovereign nations claim the planet's entire land surface, with the exception of some parts of Antarctica. As of 2007 there are 201 sovereign states. In addition, there are 59 independent territories and a number of autonomous areas, territories under dispute and other entities. Historically, Earth has never had a sovereign government with authority over the entire globe, although a number of nation states have striven for world domination and failed.
Unlike the other planets in the solar system, Earth does not take its name from an ancient Greek or Roman god. The name "Earth" was derived from the Anglo-Saxon word erda, which means ground or soil. It became eorthe in Old English, then erthe in middle English. Earth has often been personified as a deity, in particular a goddess. In many cultures the mother goddess, also called the Mother Earth, is also portrayed as a fertility deity.
My name is Lance Sputnik, and this is my playground.
It is almost spherical, flattened slightly at the poles, and is composed of five concentric layers: inner core, outer core, mantle, crust, and atmosphere. About 70% of the surface, including the north and south polar ice caps, is covered with water. The Earth is surrounded by a life-supporting atmosphere and is the only planet on which life is known to exist. Earth is the third planet from the Sun, and the fifth largest of the eight planets in the solar system. It is also the largest, most massive, and densest of the solar system's four terrestrial planets. It is sometimes referred to as the World, the Blue Planet or Terra. Earth has approximately 6,803, 000, 000 human inhabitants as of December 12, 2009. Projections indicate that the world's human population will reach seven billion in 2013 and 9.2 billion in 2050. Human population density varies widely around the world. It is estimated that the only one eighth of the surface of the Earth is suitable for humans to live on - three quarters is covered by oceans, and half of the land area is either desert, high mountains or other less suitable terrain.
Independent sovereign nations claim the planet's entire land surface, with the exception of some parts of Antarctica. As of 2007 there are 201 sovereign states. In addition, there are 59 independent territories and a number of autonomous areas, territories under dispute and other entities. Historically, Earth has never had a sovereign government with authority over the entire globe, although a number of nation states have striven for world domination and failed.
Unlike the other planets in the solar system, Earth does not take its name from an ancient Greek or Roman god. The name "Earth" was derived from the Anglo-Saxon word erda, which means ground or soil. It became eorthe in Old English, then erthe in middle English. Earth has often been personified as a deity, in particular a goddess. In many cultures the mother goddess, also called the Mother Earth, is also portrayed as a fertility deity.
My name is Lance Sputnik, and this is my playground.
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